Rated: T
Pairing: J/C
Summary: A stroll through Janeway's life.
Disclaimer: The story is mine, but the characters belong to Paramount.
Date: December 1999
Length: 1286 words

Two roads diverge in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps a better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves not steps had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I was born on a day, the 20th of May. So what? Does it really matter? I mean when I look down the road and think about what will happen years from now...did it make a difference?

For my first birthday, I got life. I was born into the arms of my parents. Don't get me wrong I loved them with all my heart and all my soul, but for my first birthday the makings began. I was born to a Starfleet officer...I was moulded and influenced. I always wanted to be just like daddy. I was always told that I was the stronger one, that I was the one that they never had to worry about.

But does it not take more courage to go my own way then to travel upon the beaten path?

For my fourth birthday I got a sister. Phoebe was a doll, but at the time I hated her. My life had just been irrevocably changed, and all I got for it was a share in everything. Or at least that's how I saw it, little did I know...

When I was sixteen I had a boyfriend. Cheb, what a name, but anyway, he was mine. We did things, I thought he was my kindred spirit, at that time though...I had no real recollection of what love or life really was. I just went along my merry way, lost in the oblivion of time.

A few years later, I was 22 I was stationed on the Icarus. I was one of the most promising cadets they had seen in a long time, but I think for the most part I was a scared little child; nothing more, nothing less. I met Justin on that haul, he questioned me, and he asked me if this was where I really belonged.

Being the headstrong person I am, I thought of course it is; I was wrong.

We were captured by the Cardassians, and Admiral Paris was tortured. I heard it, and I think that was the day I lost a little of my innocence and the day I grew up a little. But just a little, I would not realize the full impact of aging and growing up until much later when...

I was told when I was about 23 that I should maybe follow the command path. I was a scientist, not a diplomat and definitely not a leader. But they thought I was, so I did...like I always did, the follower forever.

So at 24 I began my life as a leader....but what did it mean?

I met Justin again for the first time at the age of 25; a year later we were engaged. He kept himself all bottled up and so did I. Even though we knew each other, we really didn't. In the end, he made me face myself, he made me face my own flaws by watching his, and most of all he made me face...

A week after we had been engaged he was killed at the 'accident' at Tau Ceti. I thought my life was over. He had made me face my own morality, I was not invincible and neither was anyone else. I lost something that day, I wasn't sure what it was until much later, until...

My sister...my overbearing brat sister, pulled me out, made me see...made me live. I never forgave her for brushing away my self-delusions, but I never could repay her for giving me my life.

I lived the life, walked the walk, went through the motions, and by the time I was 35, I was a Commander. Tuvok dressed me down in front of Admirals, he pointed out my flaws. I remember...

At 40...I became a Captain. By everyone's standards I had made it, but I still didn't know. I still didn't know what life was all about, I still didn't know the meaning of it all, and I had still not found love. Then came the 'Caretaker Incident' and everything changed.

It was my first command and I was flung seventy thousand light years away from everything and everyone I knew. I was sent on a routine mission into the badlands. I was sent to find the Maquis leader...so what? It was an easy mission, it was relatively straightforward. This is your mission, this is what you have to do, and this is what the end result has to be...no big deal.

When we were flung all that way from everything and everyone we knew, I was afraid. I was alone, no one to give me orders, no mission left to accomplish, no...

That day I made an independent decision, but I'm not sure if it was completely for the reasons I should have made it. I opened a comm signal to the enemy ship, and I finally knew, after all those years of searching for the truths, I realized they were not things that came from outside of me, but rather from within.

I opened the hail, I saw the bridge of the ship, and I realized...

I agreed to let them come aboard my ship, ruin my carefully constructed plan. But I realized the plan had never really been mine. It was Starfleet's, it was my father's, it was my commanding officers', but never my own. When I destroyed the Caretaker's array, I interfered; I broke the 'Prime Directive'. In reality it was just another rule and another reason.

An excuse for me to hide behind.

He questioned me all the time, he changed my way of thinking but most importantly he made me see when I was wrong. He made me see when I was hurting myself; he stopped the hurt.

All the days of my life, all the accomplishments in the end meant nothing until...

We were married during our sixth year in the Delta Quadrant. We still hadn't found a way home, and less and less people cared. Here people had found things they had not been able to find in the Alpha Quadrant and so had I. The thing that was most important, but which is stressed so little, I finally found peace.

The Angry Warrior speech, the travel through the void, his trying to make me see. Him convincing the crew I was an important component of the mix. He knew all along, I supposed I did too, but I never let myself see.

Today as I hold my son in my arms, born three hours ago, I know. I know what it means, I know the meaning of love, and I am happy.

For today I realize and today I know.

THE END